I Will Be A Wonderful Mother!

I saw this on another board about 3 years ago. No one knew who the author was so I have no one to give credit to but I think it is wonderful and very fitting for our journey.

I WILL BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER

There are women who become mothers without effort, 

without thought, 

without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Reality Check

So this week we went on the big hospital tour. It was actually pretty short and just gave us the ins and outs of where to go when the time comes to deliver this baby. It was actually the first time I had been up to Bergan to see their maternity ward.  Most of my friends in the past have delivered at Methodist or Lakeside.  So it will be a new experience.  What surprised me the most about the tour was the other people who hadn't decided what hospital they would deliver at. They were actually going on multiple tours to compare.  K and I actually discussed what they would compare because isn't the most important thing your doctor if they can make it and the care for your child.  Not how the room looks, room service and what the snack room provides?  I guess to each their own.

Anyways, I had a touch of reality when we went into the delivery room.  I just had that moment of picturing us there and that this would be the room (or one similar) we would welcome our daughter into this world.  I almost got teary eyed just standing their thinking about it. And before you blame it on crazy pg hormones I have not had any of those this pg so pretty sure it was reality setting in.  Also, knowing that we only have about 21 days left.  Although, at my last 2 doctor visits our little girl is not ready to come out yet.  I still have a feeling she will arrive on a day that it is snowing and so far this is what the farmers almanac predicts:

JANUARY 2011: temperature 23 ° (3 ° below avg.); precipitation 0.5" (0.5" below avg.); Jan 1-3: Sunny, turning mild; Jan 4-8: Rain to snow, then sunny, seasonable; Jan 9-13: Flurries, very cold; Jan 14-19: Snow showers, very cold; Jan 20-24: Snow, then sunny, bitter cold; Jan 25-31: Snow, then sunny, turning milder.

 

Of course my mom saw this and she still thinks she's gonna come on the 12th.  I think I might have to evict her on the 14th but we shall see what happens in the next 21 days. Babies do come when they want to. 

Worms Galore!

So I fired the worm compost bin back up again, since I lovingly killed the last batch by feeding them gobs of citrus peels.  Citrus peels are really bad for worms, I figured that out when they were all dead.  This time, I did more research and so far the 1,000 plus red wigglers seem to be adjusting well to their new home.  K of course is afraid I will turn his house into a compost bin as I've been saving food scraps here and there for them.  But I'm excited to see this thing really start working.  While I'm not super, super, crunchy as my friends like to say I do like to recycle and this seems like a pretty easy way to recycle waste from the kitchen while making compost for my garden and plants. 

Here is my worms home, I have this in stylish green.

And this is what my worms look like. Kind of gross huh?  Don't worry they kind of gross me out to. But they do the job.

Time to Catch Up!

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. So much has gone on.  My iron levels have finally risen and are holding steady. My platelet count is bouncing around but has not hit the "danger zone" yet so all is good there.  Today I am 36 weeks!  Amazing how fast time has gone by and that we have 4 or less weeks left.  At my appointment yesterday, she is still measuring right on track which is great.

So over the last month, I had a fabulous little shower with my girlfriends hosted by Shannon B. The theme was Dr. Seuss.  Check out the super cute cake pops and goodies we had.

The day after my shower we headed to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving to spend time with my side of the family. We had a great visit with the temperatures being over 80 for most of the visit.  The only negative was I only brought 2 t-shirts as the weather channel had said it was going to be cold. Needless to say those 2 shirts got worn a lot!

After we returned home it was December and so began our Christmas parties, cookie exchanges, etc.  We had our annual Christmas party with KC & JC.  It was very entertaining this year and we had a great turnout considering the weather was nasty. Amazingly we are done with all of our parties until January and now just have a week to relax before Christmas.  My goal this week is really to put the finishing touches on the nursery, I am having a terrible time finding a lampshade that I like that doesn't cost a fortune. We'll see what I can come up with.

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!

Ah, one of my favorite lines from a movie.  But this line is how K and I have felt many times over the last 6 years during our struggles to get pregnant, adopt and all that other good stuff.  This post is entirely dedicated to all of the dumb, rude, insensitive comments/advice that friends, family, strangers, etc have made to us.  While we are nice people and never gave them an appropriate comeback which would have made us feel better and belittled them, we instead took their comments and confided and complained to each other.  The funny thing is only about 2 people out of all of our friends and family actually knew every single thing we were doing.  Everyone else just speculated and made their own assumptions and comments.  Some of you reading these may have even said some of this stuff to us.  But all I can hope for is that those reading these things will watch what they say before they make a comment like the ones you are about to read to someone. Because while the friend may chuckle and smile it is fake. I know some people make these comments thinking they are helping but even the friend who thinks she knows everything probably doesn't so keep that in mind. Trust me, if we want your advice, we'll ask.

-You are thinking to much about this
-You need to relax
-Are you sticking it in the right hole
-I bet I could have sex with your wife and get her pregnant
-You should have sex with my husband, he'd definitely knock you up
-Maybe your husband should have sex with me and I can just carry your baby
-You should go on a vacation, everyone gets pregnant on vacation
-I told my friend about your issues, and she told her friend who is a infertility doctor and she would be happy to see you as she is better than your doctor
-Have you looked at going to Minnesota, I hear they have a buy 2 get 1 free deal on IVF
-My coworkers daughter went to a clinic in Denver and she's pg now. Here is their number
-We could be in your "situation"
-Aren't you glad you didn't adopt now that you are pregnant
-You should pray about it
-I just know this is your year (this was said for 4 years straight by the same person)
-My kids were driving me crazy today so I almost called you to see if you wanted to adopt them
-Don't you think you should get a second opinion
-Why wouldn't you do IVF before adoption
-There is no way this issue is K's as that doesn't happen in our family
-I'm not getting any younger
-I want to be a grandparent before I die
-Don't you want kids, you are getting older
-God had a plan, he didn't want you to adopt
-Don't you wish that the birth mom would just forget she had the child and disappear
-Don't you want your child to look like you
-We're really glad you didn't adopt, we weren't to keen on it to begin with
-It's gonna be a boy? I really wanted a girl
-Was this a natural pregnancy
-Do you think that changing your diet is really worth the hassle
-You wouldn't know, you don't have kids
-Have you considered surrogacy
-Oh, you're on another one of your diets....
-Do you think all these pills and teas are worth it
-I don't see how acupuncture could help
-I thought for sure you would have kids by now
-Why haven't you heard anything with the adoption
-Maybe you should try another agency, my friend used.....and they got a call within a few weeks
-Are you sure all of these issues aren't just in your head
-Maybe you aren't having enough sex
-Charting won't tell you anything
-I think you are reading to much about different issues you could be facing
-I wouldn't even consider adopting until I had done IVF
-Maybe you just aren't meant to have kids
-I think I have infertility, we've been trying for a few months and I'm not pregnant yet, last time it happened on the first try
-You wouldn't have a shower if you adopted right?
-What? We thought you had already done IVF since you were adopting.
-Having your own child will be a lot better than adopting
-Said by a Nurse while a child was having a melt down in the lobby: And that is why you don't want to have kids, she then proceeds to read my chart that notes all my infertility, but says nothing more
-Must be nice not to have to worry about a babysitter
-You should attend church
-I wouldn't care about the costs if it meant I could have my own child
-Did you hear so-and-so is pg, she did IVF and got pg the first try, you should do it
-You are going to adopt a white baby right
-Do you think the child that you adopt will look like you
-I wouldn't want to have to visit the birth mother or give her updates

Well, that about sums it up.  There are more and I'm sure we'll get a few comments after our daughter is born.  People just can't resist making those comments.

Getting ready to expire

It's odd, we are really coming full circle.  We just passed the deadline to begin redoing our adoption paperwork.  I think our home study will officially expire right around when the baby is due. Funny how that works.  It is scary though, knowing how much work and effort we put into our home study, bio, photo books etc. and knowing they will all be no good and yet we aren't holding our child yet.  Some are probably thinking, but you are 31 weeks along, whats the big deal.  I think we both have the I won't believe it till I see her mindset.  Maybe that is why we haven't even discussed names.  Even though she kicks away at my stomach day and night and I'm obviously growing, it's hard to believe our dream of having a child is getting closer and closer.  I think its closer than we even realize.  It's funny we told everyone we were adopting on January 11th and this baby is due January 14th.

Reorganization

In the last few weeks I have been reorganizing our house.  We've lived here for 8.5 years and it probably needed to be done about 4 years ago.  Amazing the amount of junk that builds up in cupboards and unfinished basements that you will never use again or just really aren't sure how it got there.  That seems to be our case plus add in stuff our parents give to us that they don't want to throw away.  We've been making some real progress. 1/3 of the basement is clean and organized.  The upstairs is still a mess as I switch clothes from one room to the next and clean out closets. 

During this process I came across our list of boys names we had picked out for the adoption.  It was interesting to look back on that list.  We never committed to a name, I guess even then we had some misgivings of whether it would actually happen or not.  I think we are kind of in the same situation although this one will definitely be happening.  We have yet to discuss any girl names.  We have 10 weeks~probably less~of this pregnancy left.  I think we definitely need a name picked out by December 1st. Personally, I think picking a name is one of the hardest parts.  Some people have their names from the day they got married or they use juniors, name them after someone etc.  Not us.  We like the unusual, prefer no top 10 names, has to pass K's rhyme test, etc.  I'm not sure what we will pick but it probably won't be the norm and of course we will keep it a secret until she is born.